i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
