I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
