I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
