Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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