Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
