please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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