I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
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Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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