don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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