Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
