As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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