please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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