I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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