I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
