I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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