Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
