Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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