I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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