when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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