Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
