kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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