I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was born a porn star she said
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
