god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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