you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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