ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
