Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
