I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
