I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
