i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
