He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
