You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Randomize
