For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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