Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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