some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
