im six kinds of drunk right now
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
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and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
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Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.