I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
