I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
