He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
