Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
