Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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