so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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