Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I want a musical about memes.
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