He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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