I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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