I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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