You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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