maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
