I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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