Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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