I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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