i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
