Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
