Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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