I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
