pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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