i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
