Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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