i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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