I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
