And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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