Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
